Category: Adulting

Looking in the Rearview Mirror…

Each morning, I have a app on my iPad that collects all the pictures I have taken on that date going back to my first digital device. Today as I was looking at the snapshots, these frozen moments in time, I began to think about what it means in our lives to look back and look ahead.  

I have always loved New Year’s Eve; I look forward to the new chapter, the fresh start given to me by a new year…a blank slate of sorts. Yesterday, the app found a couple of pictures and a jubilant post I had shared out at about 11:55 p.m. on December 31, 2013.  In my New Year’s Eve excitement, I shared the pictures and wrote this: “Join me as I bid farewell to 2013 and eagerly welcome 2014. Each of you has enriched my life and I am so thankful to be sharing this time and space with you. Let’s take time to look back on the year past and reflect on what was…learn and grow from those experiences. And now, let’s look ahead to all the adventures awaiting us. May your 2014 be a wonderful year filled with friends, family, and fun!”

I was so happy that night sitting beside my husband of 44 years; we were snacking on delicious and beautiful nibbles, sipping champagne, and toasting in the new year with my son and his wife. At midnight I called my sister; I spoke with her and my mom to wish them a wonderful new year. This was my New Year’s Eve ritual, something I had done every year. All was right with the world in that joy-filled moment.

What didn’t I know? As I laughed, clinked glasses, and toasted the excitement of the year to come, I had no idea that death would claim both my mother and my husband that year.  Yet, in the space of 10 weeks, they were both gone. So, the reality was that 2014 turned out to be a most difficult, sad, and challenging year.

Fast forward to New Year’s Eve 2019; as we watched the ball drop in Times Square, none of us had any idea that we were about to be faced with a worldwide pandemic of terrifying proportions. At no point in time do any of us have knowledge of what is waiting for us in the next point in time. Each minute remains a mystery until we live it.

Yes, we have control over much of what happens in our lives, but our most pivotal events are typically orchestrated by God’s hand, not ours. I have always believed that not knowing protects us from fear and sadness.  I suspect that if I had known what was in my future, I would have shut down, simply frozen, awaiting the inevitable, rather than living a life filled with silly moments, new friendships, travel adventures, job changes, and knowing me, lots of giggles.

Today I am in a new place.  I think about my mother often, but the experience of losing her has helped me grow as a parent. Even though my son is an adult, I realize that I can continue to work at being the best version of myself. When I am comfortable in my own skin, I am a better mother. As a strong, confident parent, I continue to teach my son how to be a  loving husband, how to have a good work ethic, about patience in relationships, and how to look for joy in even the smallest moments.

I miss my husband and will always hold him in my heart, but I have found joy again in a new and loving relationship. This relationship is stronger because of what I have been through. Tragedy forced me to examine who I am and how to move forward. I had to get tough – pump my own gas, eat alone at the sushi bar, overcome my fear of heights and climb the ladder to change the lightbulb, balance the checkbook, wander through the maze of probate court and Social Security…the list goes on. Today, the woman I bring to all my relationships is changed… more confident, more resilient, more balanced because of the struggle brought about by loss.

So, knowing what I know now, would I change the post from 2013? At midnight on December 31, 2021, did I still look ahead to 2022 with joyful anticipation? The answer is unequivocally YES! I will strive to treasure each moment, each person, each relationship, each adventure.

I encourage you to stop for a moment and flip through the pages of your life. Look at your mental snapshots of the places, the family, the friends, even the pets who surround you. You and I, we are richly blessed!

Photo by Dimitry Zub on Unsplash

The Journey

I must uncover 

the pioneer spirit 

of my ancestors 

within myself

for I am on a journey

of self-discovery.

I must be unafraid

to travel into dark places

I have never acknowledged.

I must release memories 

of a childhood past

and lovingly embrace 

my today. 

I must acknowledge that

my heart beats for truth.

My soul longs for acceptance.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

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Photo by Patrick Tomasso on Unsplash

Missing: Self-Care!

Can you help me find it?

I have misplaced my self-care; have you seen it? How did self-care get such a bad rap? I have never understood it.  I know that I can’t pour into someone else from an empty glass, so why do I feel so guilty about taking time to care for myself? 

Let me define what I mean when I say “self-care”.

I am not~ 

  • thinking about leaving my family to go off for a week on the Riviera to walk on the beach and relax. 
  • talking about checking into a Bed & Breakfast in town to let someone else cook and clean for me.
  • imagining going on strike and refusing to do any housework for a week.

No, I am merely~

  • talking about closing the door for 20 minutes of uninterrupted time as I soak in a bubble bath. 
  • wishing for an hour to get a pedicure or a massage.
  • trying to schedule a haircut at the salon. 
  • wanting to take a Saturday morning for some at-home spa time to give myself a facial, a warm hair conditioning treatment, or a foot scrub.  

You get the idea. These are simple things that make me happy, help me relax, and make me feel pampered. Somehow, my life is so filled with “must do” things, that I keep pushing the “want to do” items to the bottom of the list.  Before I know it, I am running on fumes.

For me, I think it starts with guilt; I am an educator, and we are notoriously known for being nurturing by nature.  But, when I think about it, most, if not all of the people I know are nurturers. Go look in the mirror.  Who do you see?  Someone who spends a good bit of time caring for others? Yes, I thought so. 

Acts of giving infuse our lives. For starters we care for babies, chase after toddlers, shuffle young children from one activity to another, struggle over homework assignments, lay awake at night worrying about teenagers (yikes!). While all this is going on, in addition to a job, we are planning meals, shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, paying bills, and handling a myriad of other unplanned events. 

We take a big breath when the last one of the children is out of the house and safely on their own, but then find ourselves transitioning immediately into caring for aging parents. Oh, and let’s not forget pets. They need food, walks, clean litter, vet visits. You get the picture.  

I did not perceive any of the things listed about as burdens. Caring for my child, my pets, my parents are all labors of love that leave me with no regrets. I am retired now and blessed by the fact that I had a job that filled me with passion. Yet, I remember feeling like I barely had time to breathe, so when I flopped into bed at the end of the day, I was too tired to even worry about the fact that I didn’t get a bubble bath that day. 

You would think that in retirement I would have more free time and would do a lot better about self-care. Somehow, even in retirement I stay busy. I spend a lot of my day living a digital life, the cooking/cleaning chores still need to get done, I have a 16 year old dog who needs a lot of care. Self-care continues to elude me.  

So why do you think I have such a hard time saying “NO” to everyone except myself? I go and go until I feel tired and cranky. When I allow myself to get to that point, I begin to feel resentment. Resentment is definitely NOT a place I want to spend any emotional time or currency. 

I have thought about this pattern in my life.  Somehow, it seems, I feel I need permission for self-care.  Let’s solve that right now; I grant permission!  See? Wasn’t that easy?  Have you lost track of your self-care? If so, I grant you permission too.  Now, let’s go have that bubble bath! 

Photo by Curology on Unsplash

Fleeting Moments

Our life passes like sand in an hourglass…

My day, this 12-hour span of time, has been bracketed by death; both morning and afternoon brought news of a passing. This morning, I learned that one of my favorite statesmen, General Colin Powell, had died. This afternoon I learned that a young friend suddenly passed away.  I have been feeling off-center all day as a result of these two events.

Colin Powell was 84 years old; he was often described as the most popular American general since World War II. General Powell was the first Black U. S. Secretary of State and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 

My young friend was an immigrant. She was 22 years old and had lived in the United States since she was two years old. She was funny, out-spoken, and fearless. 

These two people were so different. 

  • One was male and the other female,
  • One was young and just starting to live, while the other had lived a full life, 
  • One was a well-known and respected public servant and the other was struggling to earn enough money to pay for school,  
  • One was African American and the other was Asian, and
  • One was well-known; flags will fly at half-staff for General Powell, while very few people beyond immediate family know of the passing of my young friend. 

In spite of their differences, there were similarities. Both of them had family and friends who loved them. They both had more life to live and a desire to do so. They both learned, loved, laughed. 

All of us have been forced to deal with loss during our lives. Yet, no matter how many times we are faced with a loss, it is never, ever easy. So, what can we take away from this?  How can we grow through pain?

For me, these two losses have reminded me that in life I don’t get a dress rehearsal, and I am not guaranteed even one more moment. Death forces me to stop in my tracks. It makes me realize that in life, self-care is critical; it is the gift I can give myself everyday. Self-care is a way that I can make each day count by giving myself health, well-being, energy, and self-acceptance. 

Death reminds us that, for all living beings, life is a series of fleeting moments. It is our responsibility to make each of those moments matter…so, for today and everyday, I wish you joy-filled moments and memories.

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Turkey Leftovers

I hate wasting food, don’t you?  To me, throwing away food is just awful.  To start with, I might as well just take my hard-earned paycheck and put it in the garbage disposal along with the shriveled tomato, wilted lettuce, or moldy cucumbers.

I remember hearing my mother say that I had to eat everything on my plate because there were children in the world who were starving.  This typically invoked a response from me that included some well-known preteen eyeball rolling.  But, like so many other things in my life, as an adult, I view things differently and have to admit that I agree. How dare I waste food when there are mothers all over the world watching their children waste away from starvation?

If I lived alone, I would live life as a vegetarian; it really bothers me that animals have to perish in order for me to eat a meal.  I resolve my emotional conflict over this issue by making absolutely certain that I never waste meat. Before I purchase meat, I have a plan in place for how I will use it all.

Thanksgiving turkey is a perfect example. Like everyone, we eat leftovers. I always have a menu planner on my iPad and once the turkey is consumed my planner has a

img_0353lot of turkey items lined up. We make hot leftover turkey plates, hot or cold turkey sandwiches, turkey salad, and finally turkey soup. The turkey soup is important to me because I eke out every bit of nourishment from the turkey.

Today is turkey soup day and it makes me happy to make this big pot of comfort food for my family.  Paired with a fresh, warm loaf of homemade bread, nothing seems better.  This afternoon as I simmered the turkey with carrots, onions, celery, and a bundle of fresh herbs, I took a moment to feel thankfulness and gratitude for my ability to provide nourishing food for my family.

So, for me and my family, the true message of Thanksgiving is not wasted, nor is any turkey.  And so, I say, “For the creatures of this Earth, I give thanks.”

While sitting in the dark…

In spite of my age, I am a person who has fully embraced the technology available to me.  Yes, I confess, I love my digital life and I believe it has made my life so much easier!  Here’s how:

  • I love to read, but I no longer read paper books.  My over-stuffed, sagging bookshelves have been replaced with digital copies of all my favorite books safely housed in the “cloud”.  I can read them again and again, the pages are not dog-eared, the paper doesn’t yellow or get brittle.  I can enlarge the print size if my eyes are tired, and adjust the brightness of the screen so that it is just perfect.  
  • I enjoy magazines.  I used to subscribe to so many and my coffee table always had a cluttered stack of half-read magazines with articles dog-eared for me to read next.  No more! All of my magazines are digital and I download them and can read them without the clutter.
  • Light switches are a thing in my past; my lights are controlled digitally and come on and off at preset times, dim to set the mood, or brighten slowly so not to startle me awake in the morning.
  • As much as I love to read, I love listening to music even more. I recently donated about 200 CDs to a local charity. This doesn’t mean I don’t listen to music, it means that I can stream all my music off the internet.  Again, no more cluttered shelves, searching for the CD, worrying that CDs will become obsolete like vinyl or 8 tracks, and I don’t have to spend time alphabetizing!
  • Movies? Television? No more VCR, no more VHS tapes, no more DVDs, no more Friday night trips to the DVD rental store or the big red movie dispenser. It is all living in the “cloud” and waiting for me to control with one of my devices.
  • Just like you, l’m busy.  I have lots of things to keep up with.  My entire life is now neatly crammed into a digital planner. I have to confess, I don’t miss the cute kitten or puppy calendar thumbtacked to the kitchen wall.  I don’t miss the large and unwieldy paper planner that I lugged around with me everywhere I went.  No, today I have a digital planner that lives on all my devices.  I can get to it on my phone when I am at the nail salon, look at a date on my tablet when I plan a visit with a friend, get a digital reminder on my smart watch, and have it displayed on my laptop screen while I sit typing this post. 
  • I love that I have a car with digital capabilities.  I stink with maps; my husband used to say that I could get lost trying to find my way out of a paper bag!  No more. Now, I just tell my car where I want to go, and it talks to me the whole way!  No more missed phone calls!  I can take calls (or ignore them!) In my car.  My car just alerted me that it was time for service and sent an email to the dealership.  I can talk to my digital assistant and select the music of my choice.  My car does not even have a CD player, by the way. While driving, my digital assistant can read and send text messages or emails, check my planner, and tell me a joke. NOTE: be aware that distracted driving is never okay!
  • Today, there is an app for everything.  My gym has an app; I can sign up for a class from my phone. My weight loss program is online and I can manage everything I need right from there.  Once I decide what I want to eat, it will gather up all the recipes and generate my shopping list. I can shop from my phone, order groceries, clothes, and movies.  Too busy to go to the store? It will notify the grocery store and my groceries will be delivered. No more trips to the bank, that is all done online through any one of my devices. No more searching for a calculator, math is at my fingertips.  I confess, I hate to vacuum, but I have resisted the urge to buy the little scoot-around-by-itself vacuum device. However, it may be in my future, just saying. 
  • Bored? No worries!  I can play games on all of my devices, watch television or movies, catch up on the news, and I have a playlist full of podcasts that make me think and examine my life. There are multiple social media apps on all of my devices, so I am easily able to stay in touch with friends all over the world.  

All of this is amazing and wonderful until something happens to the power!  Two weeks ago, my digital assistant’s voice loudly announced that the weather app was alerting us that we were under a hurricane watch. And as always, sure enough, we lost power.  There I sat surrounded by technology; my laptop, my tablet, and my smart phone were all in arm’s reach. Yet, I had nothing to read, no music to listen to, no access to anything. I had nothing to do but stare into the darkness, oh yes, and sweat.  It is HOT here in the deep South in September! 

As I sat here sweating, I had time to think about all the things I wanted to do that I couldn’t because they were dependent upon staying charged. At one point I ended up sitting in my car with the motor running. Yes, the garage door was up; just say “no” to carbon monoxide poisoning! I was out there so that I could charge my tablet.   

Having a power outage sheds a whole new light on things…no pun intended!  Before I picked up my tablet I needed to ask if what I was going to do was critical.  Pretty much, nothing was; I don’t NEED to read, browse magazines, or listen to music. I certainly can’t justify draining the battery to play any of my online games. I began to worry about when the power would return. 

We were lucky this time, our power was only down about three hours.  During the last hurricane, we lost power for five days! At that moment, I decided I definitely need a hobby that is not dependent upon having power in the house.  Perhaps I will take up knitting or crocheting, because my online crossword puzzle was not available! 

Seeking Gratitude

I live in south Georgia in a county with coastal waters; the Governor has declared our county in a State of Emergency ahead of Hurricane Dorian.  Hurricanes are not unfamiliar, we have faced Matthew and Irma in the last few years, but no matter how often, I always feel anxious.  

Today we are praying and preparing as Dorian heads our way.  The “cone of uncertainty” is so frustrating and seems designed to add to my stress…Should we evacuate? Should we stockpile water and ice? Should we believe it is going to miss us?  We have no answers, and I hate feeling out of control.

So, within this stress, I try to tap into my gratitude.  Today, I realized I was grateful for so many things I take for granted:

  • Having a husband who is my partner.
  • My son and his wife, who live just a few minutes away.
  • My freezer is full of food and I worry about losing the food in the freezer if the power goes out. How can I not feel blessed to have “extra” food to keep in a freezer? 
  • Being forced to clean out the refrigerator and the pantry; if we lose power, there will be fewer things to spoil.  As I do so, I think about families who go to bed hungry at night worrying about finding the next meal.
  • Water!  I am busy stockpiling water. Staying hydrated is one of my daily health challenges.  Today, my gratitude is great; so many people in the world do not have access to clean, safe drinking water and here I am stacking up a tower of bottled water.
  • Transportation…We always have “Clean the garage” on the To Do list; now we have to do it to make room for our cars. This reminds me that I am so grateful to have two cars that need to be moved into the garage! 
  • I am dreading the possible loss of power; it gets HOT here in the deep South.  Yet, today I realize I must be grateful that I have air conditioning to lose! 
  • Seeing the good in people; when faced with adversity, people step up to help neighbors. So many friends and family have already reached out to offer us shelter if needed. I am richly blessed.
  • Our first responders and linemen are already cueing up to help anyone in need. They leave their families to help others under the worst conditions.  

Yes indeed, I am richly blessed. There are so many things that aren’t on this list, but it is a good start. One thing I know for sure is that keeping a grateful mindset attracts joy!  So for today I choose gratitude. What are you feeling grateful for today? 

Golden Globes + Black Dress = Big Deal?

I have been reading and seeing on the news that several high powered Hollywood actresses, the movers and shakers, are planning to wear black dresses to awards events such as the Golden Globes and the Oscars. Their purpose is to draw attention to the ME TOO movement that is sweeping the nation. Keep reading to find out why I think the black dress protest is definitely NOT a big deal.

The Facts:

  1.  I definitely want the men and women of Hollywood to use their fame in positive ways that support needed social and environmental changes. Today, an important issue is that of female empowerment!
  2. I am a 69 year old female, a retired teacher, and certainly not an expert on life in Hollywood.
  3. I was a young woman who fought for women’s rights throughout the 1960s.  During summer breaks from college I worked as an office temp; I remember the “girls” at my first office job had to threaten a walk-out to be allowed to wear a PANTS SUIT to work!
  4. I support the “ME TOO” initiative; no one should be forced to compromise her/his dignity in order to get or keep a job.

The Problem:

The women of Hollywood are beautiful.  We all love seeing them close up on the big screen; they are who many young girls aspire to become.  Female empowerment is a serious issue, not just for women of Hollywood, but across our country. Serious issues need serious solutions.  Now is the perfect time to take a stand for this issue, while it is in the public eye.

My Questions:

Many of us watch the pre-show and the Awards ceremony because we want to see what everyone is wearing.  The  iconic Red Carpet question is always: “Who are you wearing?” Does it matter that the gorgeous, incredibly expensive dress being worn is black instead of red or blue? Is wearing a black dress to a glamorous awards ceremony a SERIOUS SOLUTION?

My Answer:  No!

My Solution:  

As I said, Hollywood actresses are beautiful!  They would be beautiful if they showed up in a burlap sack.  So, instead of wearing a $75,000 black dress to the ceremony, wear a $1,000 dress and donate the other $74,000 to a program that supports women’s shelters.  When asked “Who are you wearing?”, I would love the answer to be Kohl’s or Belk’s, or any average department store in the area.

OR, how about wearing the same dress you wore last year and donate the entire $75,000 you would have spent to women’s shelters. We need to make it less frightening for women and their children to escape from abusive situations.

Not interested in women’s shelters?  There are plenty of single mothers and their children living in homeless shelters or on the streets.  All I am saying is that women need to stand up for women in a meaningful way. Change is a possibility that resides within each of us.

 

Rose Parade: Is it really “Making a Difference”?

imagesIt is that time of year, so I am posting my annual ROSE BOWL PARADE REFLECTION…

Now don’t get me wrong…I live in Georgia and I am so excited that our team is competing this year in the Rose Bowl.  My issue has nothing at all to do with the actual Rose Bowl game; my problem is with the Rose Bowl Parade associated with the game.

This year the theme of the parade is “Making a Difference”; I find that quite interesting since I think there are better ways to make a difference than a parade. Here’s why…

MY CONCERN:

  1. The estimated base cost to a corporation for one of the big floats is $250,000; there will be 44 floats this year. According to the official Rose Parade website, “float building is a multi-million dollar business.”
  2. Calculate the cost of transporting the marching bands. There will be 21 bands in this year’s parade. I know that the students are so excited to have a chance to march in this parade, but the money the school system will spend on transportation, meals, and lodging really adds up.
  3. Can you imagine how much it costs to outfit and transport the 20 equestrian units?
  4. The official cost of a ticket ranges from $60.00 to $180.00; however, scalping of tickets has raised the average price of a ticket this year to $480.00! YIKES!!!!  They expect 1,000,000 attendees to line the streets for the 2018 parade.
  5. Now figure in the cost to sponsors for advertising during the televised parade.
  6. Let’s not forget the huge cost of security…even higher in light of the terrorist attacks around the world.
  7. Then when it is all over, we have to add in the cost of post-parade clean-up.  That will be hefty.

Add this up…it is ASTRONOMICAL!

MY QUESTION:

How many homeless and hungry children could we feed and clothe with the money spent on flowers that will be wilted in the trash the next day?

MY SUGGESTION:

Corporations, Universities, and Schools donate the money they would have spent on the parade to a charity of their choice in exchange for a huge, positive promotional campaign of their product, service, or school. Companies will still have lots of positive publicity and children will be fed. I would be much more willing to spend money with a company who is actively contributing to helping hungry and homeless people during these cold winter months than I am to a company who spends $500,000 on a float.

So, no, I will not be watching the parade again this year. #sixtieschick #stillprotesting

Santa Claus is Coming: Please Consider This!

dec10_button1This is a letter to parents of young children who are so excited that Santa is coming to visit.  Santa is just amazing, isn’t he?.  He allows us to focus on the spirit of Christmas: kindness, giving, and some old fashioned magic.  But, this is a letter to parents asking that we look at Santa through different eyes.

This is such a busy time of year, I hate to even suggest that you think of one more thing. However, this is important to me and has been weighing on my heart.  I just want to join my teacher friends in raising awareness and sensitivity.  Every community and every school, no matter how affluent or how poor, has children living in homes from a variety of financial levels.

I live and work in a community where about 75% of children live in poverty.  However, that leaves 25% who are not living in poverty.  Now, I want you to think about this scenario: Johnny, Luis, and Latricia are in the same class.  They all celebrate Christmas and Santa visits each of their homes.

Luis is an only child; his family has a lovely, decorated tree. Under the tree there are lots of presents from family and extended family.  Santa will come to the house, and as is their tradition, Santa will leave just one gift.  Santa has an iPadPro and an Apple Pencil (cost = around $1000) for Luis this year.

Latricia is one of three children. Her mom and dad both work, but money is always tight.  Nevertheless, there are presents under the tree for all of the children. Under the tree, there are lots of little presents for the children from mom and dad (pajamas, books, dolls, crayons, action figures).  This year, the three children will have a visit from Santa and he will leave an expensive gaming system for them to share along with some games (cost = $550.00).

Johnny is our third student. He is one of four children living with a single mom who is out of work and depends on welfare and occasional part time work to make ends meet.  They have a small tree and a few presents.  Santa is coming to Johnny’s house too. However, Johnny will find a new pair of much needed sneakers from Santa (cost = $20.00).

Now, travel forward with me to January 4, 2018.  The children are back at school and excited to share about what they got from Santa. There is a big difference between what Luis got and what Johnny got.  My fear is that Johnny is left wondering why Santa likes Luis so much more than he likes him.  He worries that he was not a good boy or that his is not smart enough or didn’t do a good enough job helping his mom around the house. How sad!  We know that Santa loves all children equally.

So, here is my request.  Please think about all the Johnnys in your child’s school.  When it is time to put out the cookies and milk for Santa, please leave a note asking him to leave small gifts for your child.  This will not diminish your Christmas morning at all since you can proudly put your name on the big ticket items for your child. I promise that Santa will appreciate how you are helping him look out for the happiness of all his boys and girls.

Merry Christmas from my home to yours.

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